


IN PROCESS OF REWRITING (A Million Worlds Apart)

by Elizabeth Ó Ceallaigh (okelizabeth)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Depression, Eventual Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Hospital, Mental Institutions, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide mention, Treebros, angsty as hell, dear evan hansen - Freeform, evan hansen/connor murphy - Freeform, living connor murphy, mental health, oh and connor's not dead, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 17:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14815781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okelizabeth/pseuds/Elizabeth%20%C3%93%20Ceallaigh
Summary: //CURRENTLY REWRITING, THOUGH MOST OF FIRST CHAPTERS WILL STAY THE SAME STORYLINE-WISE//// will try to update every saturday //Connor Murphy attempted suicide one night, after a day that was just too much for him to bear. Fortunately, his mother came in later on and he was rushed to a hospital and his life was saved. He was sent to live in an a psychiatric care hospital in order to assess his mental health.Evan Hansen fell out of a tree...at least that's what he told his mother...But when she found a crumpled up peice of paper with her son's handwriting on it in the trash, she soon learned that that wasn't the full story. Now he's being sent to a psychiatric hospital for the same reason.The two boys knew each other in school, though they were never really a part of the same circles, now they're being forced together in their journey to 'find the goodness in life', whatever that means.Disclaimer: Updates will sometimes be random as fuck. I don't always have a lot of time to write atm so if anyone actually likes this piece of shit I apologize??





	1. Dear Connor Murphy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor struggles to find something good to tell his therapist at the end of the week. Evan has a rough first day after meeting his new roommate, who already seems to have something against him.

"Dear Connor Murphy, today is going to be a good day and here's why-" Connor's fingers flicked across the keyboard quickly until he stopped in the middle of his sentence, just staring at the screen. He scoffed internally at the idea. He hadn't had a good day in years...ithere was a reason he'd tried to escape this hell...but that hadn't worked. He'd awoken in a hospital bed with his whole family staring at him like soome sort of wounded animal.... He knew there were lots of people who said they were glad someone saved them when they attempted suicide but if anything Connor was angry; but he was even more angry that he'd been sent away to 'get help'. He didn't want help. He wanted an escape. 

His parents had him admitted to Lafayette Behavioral Healthcare Center, which was a psychiatric facility only about 30 minutes outside of where they lived. Lafayette wasn't the most expensive of their options, but it was the closest to home and his mother didn't want him any further from her than he needed to be. She visited him every day for the first few weeks, apologizing for sending him there...but Connor barely listened. And eventually her visits became more and more infrequent and were now down to once a week.

Living at Lafayette was shit. The food was awful, they made him take medications which made him feel dizzy and weird, and he was itching for even just a cigarette at this point...And then there was group therapy, where he was forced to sit in a circle and 'talk about his _feelings_ ' to a whole group of assholes who never would have even spoken to him outside of this shithole. But the worst part about it was these stupid letters they made him write to himself. It was an exercise that his entire group was forced to do...it was supposed to help them to "see the beauty in life" but Connor thought that was bullshit...this entire place was bullshit.  


He turned his attention back to the laptop. If he didn't write a letter today he'd have to sit through another long talk about how he'll "never get any better if he doesn't try" and he was not in the mood to deal with that for the third time this week...so he kept writing.

"Today is going to be a good day and here's why; because today you feel-" he sighed, then deleted a few words, "Because today you..." 

He shook his head and shut his computer. He would do it later when he could think up some lie to tell them about why he loves his life that they might be willing to believe.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Evan Hansen walked through the doors of Lafayette Behavioral Healthcare Center, his mother's arm around his shoulders. He was being admitted to the facility after the truth came out about how he'd broken his arm only a month prior. He'd explained to his mother that he fell but eventually, the truth came out when she'd found a paper in the trash can, detailing what had really happened that day.

His mother walked to the front desk and asked to speak with Evan's therapist, who he'd been seeing for almost a year now. She had already talked to him a few days earlier, and he had helped her to set things up for Evan's stay. Evan said nothing the entire time, instead letting his eyes drift around the waiting room they were standing in. There were a few people sitting around or walking through the back of the room that Evan really paid no attention to...but he stopped when his eyes landed on a surprisingly familiar face; Connor Murphy was sitting at a table in the corner of the room on a laptop, almost glaring down at the screen like it had insulted him in some way.

Evan had never talked to Connor before...well, except for that last summer. He'd said something to piss the other boy off and it ended in him getting shoved to the ground, which wasn't a pleasant experience. He hoped Connor wouldn't remember that, but made a mental note to avoid him like the plague...just in case.

"Alright Evan," his mother's voice pulled him from his thoughts, and Evan turned quickly to face her, "I'll try to visit you every day after work, I promise. This is only temporary...I just want to be sure you're okay. In a few weeks you'll be home and we can hang out just like we used to, right?"

Evan shrugged his shoulders slightly, nodding, "Uh...yeah-" he offered his mother an unsure smile, which caused her to grin.

"That's my boy!" she leaned down and kissed his forehead, before pulling him into a tight hug as his therapist walked through the hallway and toward them.

Soon enough, Evan had been through the whole admittance process. His mother left once it was all done and Evan was shown to his room. The room wasn't large, but it wasn't too small either. The first thing Evan noticed, however, was that there were too beds. He was surprised, as he hadn't expected to have a roommate, but he said nothing. He'd meet him soon enough...

Evan opened up his small suitcase and began to carefully unpack his things, laying his folded clothing neatly on the untouched bed, which he assumed would be his. After his clothes he pulled out his computer and the charger for it, setting that on the bed as well, then taking out the book he'd brought and, finally, all of the college essays his mother had printed for him to look at. He figured he may as well take a look at them all while he was in the hospital...

He opened up one of the drawers to the dresser closest to the bed he'd taken over and began putting his clothes inside. He didn't have enough clothes to take up the whole dresser, so he figured he'd use the other drawers for his other things to keep his stuff out of the way for his roommate. He didn't want to be a bother.

As he turned back to the bed he was startled to see a figure standing in the doorway. He lifted his gaze up to their face and froze up a bit. Connor Murphy stood, scowling at him as he leaned against the doorframe.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" his voice was gruff and angry as he scowled down at Evan, waiting for an answer.

Evan couldn't seem to get his words to leave his mouth at first, his lips opening and closing with no sound coming out...but when he finally could speak it was no better, "I-I-I-I um...they said...they said I should u-um...they told-told me to uh- to come in here and-and unpack. This is...this is where I'm supposed-supposed to stay-"

'Nicely done, Evan. If he didn't already think you were a fucking wimp that certainly confirmed it for him.' Evan looked away from Connor, tryng to find something else to say to the other boy. He glanced up again when he noticed the shadows on the bed change and jumped slightly. The other boy was now standing at the edge of the bed, still glaring down at him like he was trying to murder him with his eyes.

"Why would they put you with me?" Connor's voice came through gritted teeth. Evan decided not to speak again, and instead only shrugged, not looking the other boy in the face.

"Just- Don't get in the way and we'll be fine." Connor didn't give him a chance to respond before he headed over to the other bed and sat down, turning his back to evan and opening up his phone, staring down at it.

Evan stared at the other boy for a few seconds, then quickly turned back to what he was doing before, trying to ignore the panicked thoughts running through his head.

'He probably remembers last summer. No, he definitely remembers. He hates me already and it'll only get worse if I do anything to piss him off. Maybe if I just don't make a single noise I won't make him more angry- But how can I just not make a noise the whole time I'm here, that's insane! It's impossible-" his thoughts just continued like this as he finished unpacking, and when he was finally done he carefully set his case on the side of his bed before laying down and picking up his book, opening it and just staring at the pages...but not reading. His mind was still running too fast for him to focus on it...but it made him look less weird if he seemed to be doing something other than staring at space.

He didn't know if he could survive being roommates with Connor Murphy...he might be dead by tomorrow.


	2. Glow Stars On The Ceiling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has an even rougher second day at Lafayette, and Connor's hate for him only seems to be growing.

When Evan awoke the next morning he...briefly forgot where he was. He stared at the unfamiliar ceiling, growing concerned about where the glow stars he woke up to every morning had gone, before remembering the events of the day before and sitting up quickly. He looked around the room, his eyes landing on Connor, who was still asleep. It was funny how peaceful the other boy looked asleep despite the near murderous look in his eyes the night before when he'd walked in on Evan unpacking. He began feeling all over the bed for his phone before finding it buried in the blankets. He turned it on and looked at the time; it was 7:31am. He'd remembered something from the day before about breakfast being served in the cafeteria around 8 am so he figured he might as well get up now.

Evan slowly pulled the blanket off of his legs and slid out of bed, trying his best not to make a sound as he began getting undressed out of his sleep clothes. He folded them neatly and placed them on the edge of the bed, now in only his boxers, before he turned and carefully got out some clothes for the day. He mostly owned blue shirts and jeans; it made it easy to choose an outfit in the morning before school so he didn't stress about it. Once he was dressed he grabbed his shoes and put them on as well before he closed all of the drawers and slowly turned back to glance over at Connor again, praying he hadn't woken him.

To Evan's relief the long-haired boy was still dead asleep, snoring lightly with his arms and legs sprawled out. Evan grabbed his phone off the corner of the bed, along with his book from the nightstand before heading out, being very careful as he opened and shut the door so not to wake the sleeping demon.

As Evan walked out into the hallway he glanced around, praying no one else was awake at this time. He hoped he could get to the cafeteria and eat before things got crowded; he hated crowds. He slid his phone into his pocket and held his book tightly as he began walking in the direction he hoped the cafeteria was in. Once he reached a corner he turned and, to his relief, was greeted with the front waiting room where his mother had brought him in just the morning before. From there he knew where most things were, thanks to the signs up above every doorway so that visitors could find their way around.

He looked around for the sign for the cafeteria and, once he spotted it, quickly headed toward it. As he walked down the hallway toward the room he could hear the sounds of voices slowly growing louder and louder as he got closer. His body tensed once he arrived at the doors, one of which was open. He peeked his head in and sighed; there were a few groups of people already there waiting for everything to open up.

Evan clutched his book tighter as he gingerly stepped into the room, keeping close to the wall as he slowly walked further inside. He noticed most of the people were either engrossed in a conversation with someone or, like him, alone...and seemed content with that fact. He found a seat and sat down, opening up his book and reading as he waited for the time to pass until they opened everything up. After a short while a woman came into the room and began setting out containers with packets and other things in them, as well as unlocking the refrigerator and setting out some other things. All the patients sat and waited until she was finished before going up to get themselves food. Evan watched as people began emptying packets of oatmeal into styrofoam bowls and opening up little boxes of cereal. He noticed someone using a tray and quickly headed to find himself one. He hoped he was allowed to bring his food back to his room...the cafeteria was growing overwhelming. At school it was worse, and he often ate in the bathroom...or not at all...so this was at least a slight step up from that. He grabbed a tray and began getting himself some food. He first made some oatmeal, then grabbed an apple, a spoon, a few sugar packets, and got himself a cup of orange juice before heading for the door.

He walked back out to the waiting area and then down the hallway he'd come from until finally reaching his room. He held his tray with one hand as he reached the other one out to grab the door handle. As he turned it and pushed it open the door swung open and his tray went flying out of his hands from the momentum- and straight into Connor Murphy.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Connor let out a yell as everything spilled all over him, his eyes moving to look at Evan with such malice that Evan took a few steps back from him, his back touching the wall of the hallway.

"I-I'm sorry I didn't mean t- I didn't even know you were- I thought you were asleep I didn't- I'm so sorry you-"

"YOU FUCKING RETARD-" Connor cut him off and took a few steps toward him, causing Evan to pull even more into himself, "How fucking pathetic are you that you can't keep hold of a goddamned lunch tray?" His voice had lowered slightly in volume but not in any other way. Evan could feel tears behind his eyes and he tried to blink them away, not wanting to prove the boy's claim that he was pathetic...even if he was.

"You-you opened the door and I didn't expect it and I-and I didn't even know that-that you were there so I ran into you and everything just happened so fast and-and I didn't realize you were even there so it's not even totally my fault it was just an accident it's-"

"Oh my GOD would you shut the fuck up." Connor was still obviously pissed but he pulled away from Evan slightly, "I didn't ask for your whole life story you freak-" Connor looked down at himself, "I'm going to change and you better clean this shit up." He headed back into the room, "I'll fucking kill you next time you fuck up like that. I didn't ask for a roommate and I definitely didn't ask for some fucktard that dumps his goddamned food on me."

Evan almost opened his mouth to respond...but then thought better of it. Connor slammed the door to their room as Evan slid down against the wall and began trying to clean up the mess on that side of the door. He already wanted to go home... He missed his mom. He missed being able to have some time alone. He missed his own kitchen...and his own bedroom...and his glow stars. He knew how childish that was but....they were from before everything went to shit. Before his dad left and his mom stopped being around more than a few hours a week...and more importantly before Evan stopped enjoying life. Before he gave up. They were reminders of a time where everything was okay. 


	3. Sincerely, Me | Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been two weeks since Evan Hansen's first day at Lafayette Behavioral Healthcare Center and he's yet to get used to this place. New developments have caused his stay to be extended for longer than originally planned and he's not sure he can handle staying here for much longer.
> 
> Connor has trouble confronting and expressing his emotions in his weekly letter, so he decides to do something to avoid it altogether...at least that's what he thinks.

It was now a week and six days since Evan had arrived at the hospital. He was originally scheduled to go home tomorrow but some...unforeseen circumstances had changed that plan.  
His mother had been cleaning his room in preparation for him coming home when she’d come across another hidden notebook that he'd hidden under his bed. Upon reading it she found some of his ‘letters to himself’ that his therapist had...yet to see. These letters were the result of midnight thoughts and midday panic attacks and they terrified his mother even more than the book she'd found a few weeks prior. She’d brought them in as soon as she’d read them and brought them to his therapist, who then decided on keeping Evan for a longer, currently undetermined period of time.

Evan was angry. He didn’t mean half the stuff he said in those letters. He just wrote them to get the thoughts out of his head. They helped him to calm down and that was all they were. He didn’t know why his mother couldn’t just understand that. He wanted to yell at her for sending him here. He wanted to yell at her even more for making him stay longer over something so stupid. But he hadn’t… Instead, she got the silent treatment. He stopped calling and texting her every day, and wasn’t answering her calls, trying his hardest to ignore her.

And of course on top of all of this Evan had spent nearly two weeks dealing with Connor Murphy, who he could swear was out to kill him. Evan had bruises from the other boy punching, pushing, and hitting him, all because of little mistakes he'd made over the past 2 weeks. He didn’t really defend himself much...he almost didn’t care at this point. But it was still like hell spending every day worried you were going to have the shit beat out of you for brushing shoulders with someone.

Today he had group therapy with Connor and he still had yet to finish this past week’s exercise. Ironically enough, he had been required to write a letter to himself; everyone had. It was a weekly assignment. This week’s letter was supposed to be about people in your life who made you happy. He’d started writing his letter about his mother but stopped after everything had happened. He was too angry to continue...but now he had to.

He’d watched Connor struggling to write his letter since it’d been assigned. He knew Connor had a rough relationship with his family; it was more than evident whenever his mom came to visit...but he figured he could at least fake it...but as far as he could tell he had trouble even doing that.

Evan sighed and rummaged through his backpack to find his notebook. He needed to finish his letter...or at least write a new one. Time was almost up and he had nothing to give them...and yet, he still couldn’t bring himself to finish writing about his mother. So instead he turned the page and started a new letter. He had one other person he could focus everything on; Zoe. Of course, he had to do his best to mask who he was talking about. She was Connor’s sister, after all, and he didn’t need to give his roommate any more reason to hate him.

* * *

Connor had tried writing his letter about 12 different times and had yet to come out with something he could show to a group. He wrote about his mom but that turned into a rant about how overbearing and controlling she is. He started writing about his father but he couldn’t even write down three reasons that he made him happy before he gave up. And so then he wrote about Zoe.

He had managed to finish his letter about Zoe. It was mostly written about when they were younger...sappy memories of him pushing her on the swings before she learned how to do it herself and things like that; but when he read it over he realized that this letter was almost...too private, especially to share with a whole group of assholes he didn’t even want to try and get to know. And so he kept it in a file on his laptop and started fresh - over and over and over again. It was a never-ending cycle of starting to write and then deleting it because it was sappy or he didn’t know what to say...and today was his last day to get it done.

It was then that an idea dawned on him. What if he made someone up. If he said he had a friend and never named him they wouldn’t have to know he didn’t even exist, right? He started writing, quickly jotting down some stupid details about this make-believe boy as he made up stories about spending time with him. It was actually kind of fun to make someone up; the perfect friend. Finally, he finished writing and read over the letter, deleting anything sappy or too specific to try and be sure this person was as unrecognizable as possible. He closed his computer once he finished and slid it into his bag, standing up and heading toward the group room.

As he walked he noticed Evan making his way toward the room as well. The other boy stopped in his tracks when he saw Connor and he rolled his eyes, brushing past him as he entered the room. Admittedly, Evan probably didn’t deserve the treatment Connor had been giving him but...when he just let things happen Connor sometimes found that he couldn’t help it. His anger got the best of him sometimes, sure...but when the person he’s taking it out on just sits there and lets it happen it’s not like it’s even totally his fault anymore, right? He didn’t really feel bad for how he treated Evan...but even still he could feel a bit of a tug at...something whenever he saw him.

Their group leader was a tall guy in his mid 20s. He had blonde hair and blue eyes and looked to Connor like a fucking cult leader; smiled like one too. Most of the doctors referred to him as Mr. Satin but he'd asked them all to refer to him as Dan or Daniel. Every group session everyone was required to pull chairs into a large circle and sit down. Once everyone was in the circle and seated they were all asked to tell everyone what emotions they were feeling today. It was a simple exercise and yet Connor found it one of the most difficult parts of therapy. Usually, he simply answered with something to the effect of ‘tired’ or ‘hungry’ but never an actual emotion. He wasn’t sure why he could bring himself to answer that way...it just felt strange to him so he didn’t.

After everyone had finished 'expressing their feelings' they were supposed to read their letters. Connor sort of ignored this part usually, and this week was no exception. So, as usual, everyone went around the circle reading out their letters until eventually, it was Connor’s turn. He opened his laptop and took a deep breath, hoping that his letter would be convincing enough for the rest of them. The majority of the letter consisted of talking about the last time he ‘hung out’ with this ‘friend’. As the letter ended he talked about how this friend still likes to talk to him while he’s in the hospital and that ‘that makes days better’. He ended his letter with a simple “Sincerely, me.” and glanced up to see the rest of the group. Everyone seemed surprised he had a friend, which Connor tried not to let get to him...but it wasn’t working. He glanced at Evan, who was staring at him with probably the most disbelieving expression of anyone. He scowled at him and the blonde sat back a bit, looking away quickly. Connor rolled his eyes and looked at the rest of the group.

“Take a fucking picture, it’ll last longer.” he closed his laptop quickly and crossed his arms. He tried not to act like it stung that no one thought he could have friends….but it kind of did. He wasn’t that unbelievably unlikeable-

After a few moments Daniel clapped his hands and rubbed them together, effectively breaking the silence, “Alright then, Mr. Murphy. What a nice story...thank you for sharing with us. Now the last person left to read is you, Mr. Hansen.” The man turned his attention to Evan and Connor couldn’t help but smirk. This should be fun.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers:  
> 1\. Connor's point of view is written in a lot less than Evan, but he does get his place more so near the end.  
> 2\. This will likely be around 35 or so chapters?? At least that's what I've broken it up as so far.  
> 3\. I'm not the best writer in the world but ha  
> 4\. TONS OF CURSING.  
> 5\. I don't really...edit? So there will be typos and such and I apologize for it. I don't have a whole lot of time to write and definitely not a lot of time to edit so I often just don't and instead just upload what I have. I am looking for someone who I can send story chapters to so they can check for spelling and grammar errors and other things of the like but for now I'm kinda on my own.


End file.
